It's been a very long time since I've updated this blog. A lot has happened in the year or so its been since I've last blogged. For better or for worse, I can honestly say that I don't feel like the some person who once started this blog.
It's amazing how quickly time can fly right when you don't want it too. Unfortunately, it would appear right when you need time to hurry up a single day can last an enternity. Lost and scared I struggle to find that bullet proof man I once was.
About a month ago I had this dream that I was standing in this rundown apartment building waiting for an elevator. The elevator doors open and I can see that elevator looks worse than the depressing hallway that I'm standing in. Yet I get in anyway. I push the button but don't take notice which my desired floor is. All I know is that I intended to go down, and down is definately the direction I'm going because suddenly the elevator is in free fall. However, the last thing I feel in that moment is free. Scared, lost, and vulnerable I somehow stand and sit in the corner of the elevator. The elevator gets caught between floors. I can't tell if I'm screaming or whispering for help but either way someone pry's open the doors. With the elevator being stuck between floors all I can make out is a person's crouching leg and an attentive arm reaching out. Terrified I ask if I should reach out.
"We need to get you outta there."
Encouraged, I reach out. Just as I'm reaching out to this mystery person the elevator reminds me of the gravity of the situation. Frantic, my feet start desperately trying to find a foot hold to brace myself with. Halfway out of the elevator threatens to cut me in half.
Heart pounding I wake up in a cold sweat. I don't recall if I make it out of the elevator. Later that day I start to reflect on my dream. At first I make the conclusion that I made it out of the elevator. I then assume that my mind was letting me know that I'm ready to come out of this cold dark place that I've felt so trapped in for the last few months. I choose to take this terrifying nightmare as a positive sign that I'm starting to deal with whatever is making me feel so depressed.
I lay here in my apartment feeling just as sad, upset, and lost as I once did not to long ago. I now doubt that I ever made it out of that elevator. This isn't to say that I went down with elevator. I have to assume that I'm still struggling to make it out. As I re-live this terrifying experience I start to wonder who this mysterious stranger is that is helping me. At first I assumed this mystery person was culmination of all those who love me because I've had some great friends and family supporting me during this confusing and scary time in my life. Perhaps this mystery person is myself. This is going to take me some time to figure out who this person is and how to let them help me out of this elevator that I seem to be stuck half way in.
Thank you for taking the time read my thoughts.
Klecko, Klecko
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