I have never thought twice about helping those I care for. This was not a lesson that was ever orally taught to me but a lesson I learned through observation from those who lovingly raised me. If I felt I had it in me to help others I would do so in heartbeat. However, it wasn’t until recently that I noticed that I don’t always do the same for myself. Does this mean that I don’t care myself?
One of the lessons I have been learning in school about my Native beliefs is that our way of teaching and understanding our place in the world is founded on relationships. My understanding of the teachings left behind from the ancestors is that our way of life is governed by respecting relationships. Our way of living has existed for thousands of years because we strived to maintain an equilibrium with our environment. Our governance was built on maintaining healthy relationships within the community. As a Native person I have made it my goal to make sure I honor this principle of respecting relationships.
In effort to take start taking better care of myself I tried talking to myself in the mirror. I have to admit I felt a bit silly doing so that it took me a minute to keep my composure. But when I finally started to take the exercise seriously I noticed that it felt like a stranger was looking back at me. What a disconcerting feeling that was. Why did it feel like a stranger was looking back at me? I can’t remember why but I deduced that it was because I haven’t been taking care of myself. Don’t get me wrong I do make an effort to take care of my well being. For instance, I like keeping myself active and I try to make sure I eat right. That last one is always a struggle for me because I have a huge weakness for cheeseburgers. I also let myself have fun by doing the things I like, such as reading my graphic novels (nerd code for comics) or watching some of my favorite TV programs (for posterity let’s leave out specifics). I know there’s more to self-care than the things I just mentioned but the point is I thought was doing an ok job at looking after myself.
However, once I felt the gaze of a stranger looking me in the eyes of that mirror that day. I realized I’ve been extremely hard on myself lately. Anyone who has ever met knows that I really value other people’s opinion of me. What I didn’t realize was how much I would let it bother me if I felt someone didn’t have a good opinion of me. When I feel like someone doesn’t like who I am or what I am doing I get really concerned or I get really upset. Unfortunately, during those times I’m not at all reasonable. This is something that I recognized and have been trying to work on the last few months.
I guess what I’m really saying is this, when it comes to forgiving or forgetting my friends and family’s mistakes I’m more than willing to be understanding but when it comes to my own downfalls I don’t know how to confront or handle them. Because of my inability to cope with my problems I feel like I have dysmorphed myself into someone who isn’t a good person. It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve realized that by thinking of myself that way I’m only adding to the stress that I’m already putting on myself. It’s been throat swelling hard the amount of pressure I’ve been putting on myself to be a good person once again. Right now I need to take the time to get to know and accept the person in the mirror. I need and want to build a healthy relationship with myself.
